From Fear to Love

David Newman has been Archdeacon of Loughborough and Warden of Launde Abbey. He is the author of Growing Up into the Children of God: Exploring the Paradoxes of Christian Maturity (Sacristy Press).

A few months ago I met someone who had previously come to see me to talk through their response to LLF and same sex partnerships. Their starting point had been a conservative one and I asked them where they had reached in their thinking. Their response was striking. ‘I am getting to the point’, they replied, ‘when I realise that I would rather be wrong than unloving’.  It was a thought-provoking statement. It felt a very Christ-like attitude even if my head was sounding a warning about the importance of truth and not basing ethics on some subjective, feelings-orientated criteria.

‘I am getting to the point when I

would rather be wrong than unloving’

Of course, a lot depends on what we mean by love and what constitutes ‘unloving’. Yet Jesus was not afraid to be perceived as ‘wrong’ in the pursuit of loving relationships, whether that be healing on the sabbath or eating with tax collectors and sinners. He taught that truth is measured by fruitfulness, and love is the authentication of truth and righteousness.  Particularly striking were his words about the woman - ‘who was a sinner’ - who washed his feet with her tears and perfume. ‘I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much’ (Luke 7:47). In this he was followed by the apostles Paul and John. ‘If I can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge but have not love, I am nothing’, says the former. (1 Cor. 13:2). ‘Whoever loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God’, writes the latter (1 John 4:7-8).

There is then a good biblical starting-point for my colleague’s statement. Furthermore, I recognised something of my own journey in what he said. I am writing from the perspective of a straight man, and this journey for me, and I know for a number of others too, has been a movement from fear to love. What have we been afraid of? At best I would like to say that we were afraid of embracing an ethic that might prove to be less than God’s best for human flourishing, a mode of relating that would ultimately be destructive rather than creative. However, such thinking has increasingly been challenged by the visible presence of faithful same sex relationships among us. There have been other powerful fears at work, however. One is just the fear of the different or the ‘other’. It is a common human trait to want to be ‘normal’ as measured by what most people are or do. This is where we find our security. In this way our ‘normality’ is protected by being legitimised within the majority (or the powerful) and/or by demonising the minority. Add ‘sexuality’ into that mix with all its potential for vulnerability and shame and there is a fear-inducing cocktail.

However, particularly for evangelicals, there is a bigger fear than that. It is the fear that to accept or legitimise same sex partnerships is to undermine the authority of scripture and overthrow the security of a rational, objective basis of faith. If scripture is perceived as wrong in what it says about homosexuality, it can be wrong about anything and what has been a God-inspired means of grace becomes just another fallible, human source of culture-relative wisdom. However, there is an increasing awareness of how it is possible to honour scripture and affirm faithful same sex partnerships. I don’t intend to repeat that material but suggest some resources below. Suffice to say that it is a lot about hermeneutics, and how we read some scripture in the light of other parts of scripture and also how we read it in the light of contemporary experience which often is not addressed directly in scripture as the issues were not known at the time. That is true for faithful same sex partnerships.

My concern is whether it is better to be wrong than unloving. In The Archers there has been a debate as to whether George Grundy’s grandparents were right or wrong to divulge the information that led to his prison sentence, an action which he certainly interpreted as unloving. Clearly love or loyalty cannot trump every consideration. It is possible, as Othello found, ‘to love not wisely but too well’.  However, to discern what it means to love wisely is not easy because powerful fears have raised this into such a toxic, church splitting, friendship breaking issue. This then feeds off itself. We become afraid of dialogue and debate for fear of the division that it will cause. Although there are almost certainly a mixture of opinions in every congregation, church leaders feel that they have to define their churches in a particular way for the sake of unity. But some sort of imposed uniformity is not a real unity. If we hide behind silence, or biblical imperialism or synodical procedure then we are demonstrating that our fears are stronger than our desire for loving relationships.

discerning what it means to love wisely

is not easy because powerful fears have raised this into

such a toxic, church-splitting, friendship-breaking issue

There are questions we must ask ourselves. 

In relation to same sex partnerships, are our attitudes and actions motivated by love or fear?  Does the fear of undermining scripture overshadow our capacity to love? Does the fear of being wrong inhibit generous relationships and suggest that we really believe that God’s judgement is greater than his mercy? Our collective actions as a church over human sexuality and relationships suggest that it does. Yet when we see spiritual fruit and faithful service evident in the church from LGBT+ people of what is there to be afraid?

One of the most profound stories of inclusion and healing in the gospels is Jesus’ encounter with the Canaanite woman (Matt 15.21-28). Coming to Jesus on behalf of her demon-possessed daughter she is met first by silence. She is then told that he is not there for people like her – ‘I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel’. Finally, she is insulted: ‘It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs’. It is commonly said that this was banter and certainly we don’t know the tone of voice or sort of expression with which Jesus delivered these words. But at best it was very risky to use such provocative words in the face of such heart-felt need. She is, though, tough and feisty. ‘Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.’ Jesus responds ‘You have great faith! Your request is granted’. We don’t know whether at that moment Jesus realised that he had been wrong; that the Gentiles could be part of his mission too; that they deserved more than crumbs. But he was certainly willing to risk looking wrong in responding to the faith and need of the woman.

does the fear of being wrong inhibit generous

relationships and suggests that we really believe

that God's judgement is greater than his mercy?

I am writing about the journey from fear to love which I see has been part of my journey to accepting faithful same sex partnerships. I know that it is a journey which many people have been on. I heard anecdotally of a letter recently sent to a diocesan bishop urging continued progress towards full inclusion and blessing of LGBT+ life and relationships. It was signed by a significant proportion of the diocesan clergy, the majority of whom had themselves been on such a journey of change. It is important to emphasise that I am not saying that those who have come to different conclusions are therefore by definition unloving. In a very sexually confused culture, I recognise honourable motives among those who want to affirm traditional sexual disciplines (heterosexual and homosexual). I realise that conservatives can feel aggrieved at being seen as unloving even as I feel aggrieved at being termed unscriptural. However, I want to lay down some important questions for everyone.

When will we risk offering more than crumbs to the gay community to honour the faith and love they bring to the church? Is a desire to accept, include and love more important even than the possibility of being wrong?

David Newman

Suggested resources.

Marcus Green, The possibility of difference – a biblical affirmation of sexuality.  Kevin Mayhew, 2018.   

Karen Keen, Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships. Eerdmans, 2018.

David Runcorn, Love Means Love – same-sex relationships and the bible. SPCK, 2020.      

Jonathan Tallon, Affirmative: Why You Can Say Yes to the Bible and Yes to People Who Are LGBT.  Richardson Jones Press, 2023.